What's making me crack recently ...

*Before we start I should state this ends with a rant , and it's reguarding everything of this month (and some of my life) that's been making me snap lately , please enjoy and I'm sorry for typos but I an'it fixing them all :) *

Everyday I live my life the way I want to live it , not as someone says it should be like or how a religion justifies it. I just do what I want when I please and do whatever makes me happy. That's not meaning towards me acting like a crazy mad man asshole who streaks people in the roads. But more or so Im just more outgoing , more spontanious , more humorous then some people (least I hope so).

Normelly I'm a man of peace , someone that understands the concept of fighting for cause and fighting for ...fighting. In this town i've bitched about , everyone usually fights for fighting aka to prove their the bigger man. I personally think it's a waste of time , and to get so upset at something so small in your large life enough to cause fists flying in the air an'it worth jack shit. Now people who know me understand I won't fight anyone unless I have to , and people also know there's a reason why you shouldn't fuck with me (oooo!). Someone reading this probally just rolled their eyes , oh well. In any case I really don't like to get into this shit. I try to stay as neutral as I can. But sadly one of my flaws comes with this abbility. The abbility to hold back my anger or rage. I don't like feeling depressed and sad , it slows me down I used to be like that a long time ago and I admit from time to time I get cought off gaurd from something terrible and yes I do get depressed , but for the most part I avoid any feeling of that. I also withstand a lot of people who have their heads so far jammed up their asses that they think they understand everything because they read a book or learned it in school or watched it on t.v. I understand that life goes BEYOND ( I stress this) not fair.

So what do I do? I try to vent towards people , sometimes it helps because people listen. But a majority of the time it's just stuff A) I've already heard B) Stuff that makes me feel like I'm wrong or the rare C) Something not fuckin stupid and obvious , and actually worth me listening to that both helps me and allows me to feel a percent or 2 better. Yes I appreciate anyone who helps me vent , but I often feel like my compliants or my anger are shut down due to the nature of myself. In other words , I feel like I just get an "Ok" and I cannot be taken seriously. Then to be tortured to someone else's bullshit that's not even half of what my problems are. Maybe I'm being selfish , but I think that's a bit fucked up. If I cannot do this , I tend to rant real life or online in a show I made for shits and giggles that people on a good video game message board tend to like. They tell me that I say things that people are afraid of , or things that are awesome. That's better then any advice I could ever get , means my anger is actually good enough to be heard to and enjoyed by it's "right-ness" (that even a word?). In any case it's rough but I often deal with it , It'll probally make me end up seeing a therapist , but I've been there and done that for a bit and that really went no where.

Lately I've been feeling a new weird kind of depressed. Almost like , I still love who I am (omg I said it again) and certain aspects of life. But I just feel like a darker and angrier person. Like Venom from SpiderMan or something, I just don't know. I hate how everyone appears so happy and they always complain about the dumbest shit , maybe it's not my job to notice this but fuck I hear it a lot. In a way I kind of envy a normel person , someone who has love and that whole skinny factor. I won't lie sometimes I wish I could just rip off my skin. I've been on like 12 diets , and I'm not like fuckin obese or anything , but I mean i always think if I could drop some weight it'd be like a snag for me to find someone...or at least be happier. I often get worse when i think about how so many assholes in life are thin and what not , and I'm the guy trying to find love , do activities ,etc in life and busting my ass being chubby. It sucks so hard. And I hate for myself to type this and gather pity from you all , but honest is what I am.

People often tell me how everything works out and you just have to wait. But I mean if I'm 18 and I haven't even done anything similar to a date , what the fuck am I waiting for? I'm always on the move trying to meet new people and it's just utterly ending in akwardness or disaster. I'm so sick of it, and I feel like everyone in this town is superficial as a motherfucker. So again just goes into the "asshole" post I spoke about 2 months ago. Ever notice that the people that tell you to wait , are you usally the ones that either A) Got Lucky or B) Tried in absolutely no way to gain a relationship. So EASY for them to say it , when they have it eh? I just feel like it's time for me to experience anything , maybe i'm being selfish or asking for too much , but fuck I think as a person i've tried my hardest to be nice with everybody and care about others as much as they care about me (we'll get to that in a bit). I feel like I deserve something that makes me happy , is that so fuckin wrong? God I hope I don't regret saying that. Seriously I wish for no karma.

Now comes to the meat of this recent depression sandwich. Within the last 6 years of my life I've been through many occurances with friendsthat some may have or may not have been through. I finally broke free from the grip of kids that make fun of others behind their back , start shit with people , don't listen to anyone and act insane , make fun of me at their house , basically act immature. When I dropped them it was great I did this like 3-4 years ago. Finally the end of my reckless self part of my life that I didn't wanna be or have any part of. These 2 have once in a while obsessesively tried to persaude me into hanging out with them again which resulting me saying no because I've given too many chances to people that are fucked up. Within the last 2 years I got my former best friend his girlfriend who was the same equivlency to his nerdiness as he was. I admit my former best friend got picked on a lot , but I knew him since I was 8 , and I often stood up for him because he was like a brother to me. I liked him because we both shared a lot in common reguarding nerdy things and he was just a fun person to be around.

He was a really smart kid , and his dad caused a lot of shit forcing him to study a lot ,etc as he treated his little brothers like kings. It was almost like a Lion King Meets Cinderella storyline. In any case years later that ended with a divorce. But anyways I always taught him how to not be so lame and overly nerdy and just enjoy life and do crazy shit , and it was good for a while. till I got him that girlfriend I spoke about before. Not only was she fuckin insane , her older sister was fuckin insane. She was like one of those fuckin weird anime obsessed girls that had this false misconception of shame , saying stupid shit all the fuckin time. Oh well , can you blame me? She didn't even know who he was if it weren't for me , I knew her for years. In any case , he started growing out his hair , wearing like 3 music shirts of bands that he never listened to (seriously he never really listened to music and if he did it was like a song or 2 he bought) , started wearing black ,etc. He looked like a kid trying to be someone else , mixed with not taking a shower. It really bugged the fuck out of me. Now what's weird is we got to a point where he'd never talk to me , he'd always say shit to other people , never do anything , never wanna hang out. And yet he insisted on staying home all day or working at a job that he complained so much about but only worked there for like a month >_>. The one thing about my former best friend that seriously bugged every bit of being out of me , was that fact that everything was so non existence to him. He never called me to hang out , he never did anything unless you asked him. Essentially he was like a smart kid with an empty head. My mom is friends with his mom , she litterally called the house to talk to her , he picks up , she asks for her , he goes ok , and stands there holding the phone for 3 minutes before he actually realizes what he has to do.

What bugs me the most is , after we relised this girl was a fuckin psycho bitch , ( I went to a comic/sci fi /etc convention with them , she ruined the whole thing. they were like quiet little robots not saying if they wanted to do anything or not which bugged the FUCK out of me , and she kept stopping for old still corsages which made me wanna barf cause she's paler then marshmellows. . And like we met her sister who was a word I never use , a complete cunt.) , it took a phone call of her yelling at him because he had to do something with his parents...To get his dad to hang up on her. Which sparked this whole thing of bs , and then they broke up cause he was done with her at that point. Now here's the weird part. I always wondered why he never talked to me? Was I too bossy? Too worried for the kid? I didn't get it. But I also was curious to know what he was doing all these months. Turns out he turned into some kind of leader for the somewhat recjected kids in my school. All these "rebelious" asshole freshmen/sophmores that try to all wear black , work on stage props and plays , and act like they're all punk rock or emo or something. Bunch of stupid fucks running around like their parents were never watching them as kids. So fuckin obnoxious. Apprently they friended him like he was higher above them , which still I don't get to this day. He ditched his friends for a bunch of real assholey kids. Whatever. One time he walked a mile with them after testing to the super market where I worked to see what I was up to , which resulted in like 6 kids in black staring at me expecting me to say something because my former best friend never thought before he spoke or did anything , all impulses. Why would you walk all the way up to talk to me? Am I going to do magic tricks? Stupid bastard. But anyways let's wrap this up shall we? A Little before these kids came , he got a girlfriend really quick with a girl who was friends with his ex. She was in our grade , and she is really nice , but shes really smart and has been trying to be like all rock and shit because she's got some identity crisis like a majority of my school. W/e , that lasted a week. He then ended up dating her friend , who's a girl in college.

She is 100% like him , smart , robotic. She's cute but she wears no makeup or does her hair , which results in her looking like she doesn't take a shower also. He's still been with her for like half a year now , and he wears his same 3 rock shirts and a hoodie everyday. His hair got long and now he's wearing fuckin gloves......when I look back at it in retrospec , I relise how much less of a babysitting job I have now. He gave up everything like an idiot to look stupid.

Ugh , perhaps something far greater then any anger I've ever received has come from one of my friends during the end of middle school. I've been friends with him since I was in 3rd grade and back in the day he was a quiet kid living in a small 3 room apartment with strick spanish parents. So you know the drill , the short dad giving him shit his whole life over nothing and the nice religious mom that doesn't say much reguarding this stuff. See he was a really smart quiet kid and I thought he was a cool cat who just didn't get his say in life. See I think my problem throughout my life is maybe I've made people change too much without even trying. You can't make people change , people change when they need or want to. In this case I think I "Inspired" sort of like that former best friend. Which still makes me feel terrible in some form either way to this day. Anyways During Middle school this friend was starting to get more aggressive towards his parents and people who gave him shit. He started dressing in hoodies and wearing like 60-70's rock group shit and just trying to be different. I never really picked up on it because I was always dressing like that sorta (eh pop culture wise).Eventoully in High School , "where dreams die and friends get lost" (market that shit) I started to see his true nature. Now during the time I was hanging out with 1 of those 2 assholes I stated before. He started to progressingly change himself , acting like he was from the 60's , constantly repeating stupid shit and advertising that he listens to perticular music. The biggest one was Led Zepplin , like we all never heard of THEM! It was just getting weird now you have to understand when you have a friend like this that's so overbearing in drama and bullshit , you always try to avoid it by hanging out with other friends. Being friends with an asshole , makes that rather rough. As time went on he got worse , and I deffinetely began to notice , freshman year is a blur to me might I add. He always talked about how his parents sucked , his dad was an asshole , his mom never listened to him , etc. And I'd go over and notice that he was really just an asshole to them after all the stuff they've never let him do. Imagine being stuck inside a small 3 room apartment for so many years. And as much as I didn't blame him , being an asshole back just didn't help. But as time went on I saw things and what not , but I mean I always felt like he made it worse then was out to be. We often critizied him for his changes because frankly he was our friend and we were concerned and also because it was just silly to see him try to be someone else. Then he would swap bands he was obsessed with , to like the Doors ,etc and talk about them and act as though he had some higher athuority of music. First off let me just add that I knew this kid from the age of 9 , and I never saw him listen to music EVER until middle school. So for him to tell me about classic rock (my fav) as if I didn't know because he read a book or rented a cd from a libary , or cause he played a mean guitar , it fuckin offended the hell out of me secretly.

It didn't take me long for me to figure out he was doing weed , I found out around sophmore year. I kinda knew , but again freshmen year is a blur to me. You know , I don't care if there's nothing addictive upon them or whatever. Maybe this is a bold statement , but mentallity you control your actions and I notice a lot of people are mentally addicted to weed because it makes them feel better. But this kid just became such a burn out , I swear he's lost so many brain functions and motor skills. As time went on he grew out his hair and never cut it because he didn't like showing his face , he always smelled , he would like react to everything 5 seconds later , he acted all impulsey and yell out shit. He just acted like a fuckin weirdo , and It's still been going on to this day. I really don't care if someone says it doesn't effect them , this shit obv did. And Then he went on to smoking ciggerettes which is fuckin disgusting beyond everything to me. I can't even be around smoke , it makes me sick. But here's what bugs me , let's talk now. Those 2 assholes are out of my life , and the best friend , and now this kid. How do I sum this up?
*Rant time*
He's fuckin ANNOYING! HE DOESN'T EVEN REALISE HE'S DRAINING MY LIFE!
How does someone do this , so much!? All he does is crave attention talking about anything from his ciggerettes , his lighter , his family , to anything else that revolves around him. He still looks like a dirty person wearing the same clothes and hoodies everyday muttering words like jack sparrow. He always wants attention , ALWAYS. If we stop talking for a month , he'll pretend to be normel and then do it again. HE NEVER STOPS! He's such a whining peice of shit now. Yes his parents are bad but boo hoo , not so much anymore. Fuck the kid finally moved into a house , and HE STILL COMPLAINS! Just got an Hd Tv , and he STILL COMPLAINS! STFU! Seriously , I've lived in an apartment for 13 years with a divorced family ( I was 8 at the time might I add) and a autistic brother. YOUR SHIT FAILS when REAL PROBLEMS ARE GOING ON IN MY LIFE AND IN THE WORLD! FUCKER! He laughs at everything he says , he talks about stupid shit. If he feels made fun of , insecure , or like he's wrong he'll litterally try to turn his own friends (me and others) into examples in front of everyone. He Always brings up shit from the past to make me feel bad and stay his friend, and worst of all he kept stating I was his BEST FRIEND. NO! I made a promise to have no more best friends , I'm done. If people can't be caring and act normel , then they can go fuck themselves. It's not worth being so nice and trying to have buddies in life to be fucked over. FUCK THAT! This kid doesn't even know what it's like to have really nothing. I've got my friends at school and work , but that's about it. I don't hang out with people , because people never wanna hang out! Yet they talk about it all the time! He's got his fuckin weird ass stoner friends that he ditched me for , who I'm pretty sure don't even listen to him 90% of the time , but w/e. Seriously the kid has his head permantly jammed up his ass. I haven't hung out with him in like 8 months because I'm DONE! I go over his house , he has no food (a year supply of fuckin peanut butter...wtf) , nothing to do! And his fuckin dog pisses me off and never leaves. He comes to my house , raids my kitchen without asking , acting all humble when he finds a poptart (RIGHT >_>) and jumping on my computer not hanging out with me the whole time. Seriously , go fuckin stab your eyes. I always ignore him or try not to talk to him anymore. One of his biggest flaws , he NEVER STOPS COMMENTING! IF there's silence , he has to talk , talk , talk , talk ,talk ,talk, talk! I THOUGHT I TALK A LOT. All he does is tell me how people suck , when in reality he fuckin sucks. I swear I even cought him waiting for me in the bathroom just to talk to me. Whenyou give him advice , he makes up excuses or puposely debunks them because he wants to create more drama for everyone. He also is mad addicted to lying about anything in his life from time to him. the defining moment was when 2 years ago he lied to me about his parents coming to pick him up and he instead hops into another car and leaves to prob get stoned with another kid. He left me alone at one of the asshole's houses (it's a long story , we attempted a group getting back together thing ...yeah right that failed.). he always uses me for events or hang outs , and he never repays me it's a bunch of horseshit. The last concert I took him to he got stoned to. Way to go. Fuckin get over yourself already. See people this is what happens when you become fake. You pay the ultimate price , you loose everything. I'm done with this kid , I don't want him to kill himself or w/e. But any thread holding me back from not being his friend have been snipped. This has gone on long enough. He can do w/e he wants now , I don't care anymore. What I care about is how he keeps popping up to leech me and others. He single handly causes more drama in my life then anyone (except my fam lol).

UGH , So basically put I've been depressed because I'm at a point in my life where my realization of things is growing and I realise now .....that I need alchohol.